Perhaps She'll Wait
by genvessel
Summary: So I will dream of tomorrow, where the past will not be in my way and passion lives another day... I will dream of tomorrow where perhaps she'll wait for me...


Title: **Perhaps She'll Wait**  
Author: Kristen  
Written: June 5, 2001  
Category: general pov - with just a splash of j/d for good measure  
Spoilers: portland trip  
Feedback: if the Spirit moves you  
Thanks: To Lin - my beta. If you enjoy this story, it's all thanks to  
her that it makes sense.  
Note: The song that's woven throughout here is called "Perhaps She'll Wait" by Bebo Norman. It's on his CD _Big Blue Sky._ I know that there have been several other annoying women in Josh's life since Mandy. But as you can see, I wrote this back in 2001.

xxxxx

Perhaps She'll Wait

_They say you cannot walk before you crawl  
I wonder why, I wonder why  
Because everybody dreams before they fall  
A wonder world and then we loose it all_

Sarah Cadwallader.

I still smile just thinking about her. She was the most amazing girl in my graduating class and my date to the senior prom. We'd been friends all the way through high school. Sarah's one of those people you just can't help but be friends with.

She was a photographer and our school was sponsoring a show of her work in hopes to get her a scholarship to college. She so desperately wanted to go to the University of Edinburgh in Scotland, but there was no way her single income, single parent family could afford it. I went to a small high school where everyone knew everyone, so our class decided to help her anyway we could.

The show was a major success. She raised a lot of money selling the photos and the scout from Edinburgh was highly impressed.

The two of us went out for coffee after the show. It was about a month before the prom and I was pretty sure I wasn't going. I hated getting dressed up and it just didn't seem worth it. Somehow, our conversation turned to relationships, as all teenage conversations seem to, and through tears, she told me how painful it was to never have been asked out anywhere.

"I know the birthdays of everyone in our graduating class! I get promised dates and movies and picnics in the park, but I sit home with my cats every weekend," she sighed so deeply I thought my heart would break.

I then did something only I would be stupid and inconsiderate enough to do. I asked her who she was going to prom with.

She smiled weakly, "My dress is light blue and I'm going to wear ballet slippers." Yup, I'm a dork.

I guess I should mention at this point that Sarah was about 45 pounds overweight the whole way through high school.

"It's just that I've dreamed about my senior prom since I knew what a senior prom was. It's my night to be a princess." Then she sighed again and got up to throw her coffee cup away, "But, I guess my prince missed the memo." As I got up to follow her to her car, she pulled me into a hug and whispered quietly, "Thanks, Josh. You are going to make someone seriously happy one day."

After that night, I swore I would give Sarah a night that she would never forget. I orchestrated the whole thing with her parents and they were behind me one hundred percent. Even reimbursed me for most of it.

I never imagined that I could have that much fun at a prom. The gym was decked out in crepe paper and balloons, all in blue and silver. I don't remember a whole lot, but I remember when I took her back home.

We had gone to the park and talked, sitting on the playground, until 6:30 in the morning. In our formal wear, we played on the swings, the seesaw, and the slide. We fed the ducks and watched the sun rise.

And at the end of it all, I kissed her.

My very first kiss.

And probably the best one I've ever had.

I got an invitation to Sarah's wedding yesterday. Donna's on the phone right now, rescheduling all of my appointments for that day. I wouldn't miss her wedding for the world.

There's a sad realization that comes with the invitation though. I'm the last one of my friends from high school who's still single.

_But I will dream of tomorrow  
Where the past will not get in my way  
And passion lives another day  
And I will dream of tomorrow  
Where perhaps she'll wait for me._

There's an unfortunate stigma upon single people in this county. Our society assumes that there must be something wrong with you if you're "unattached." It's ridiculous. I think it's one of the forces behind  
the obnoxiously high divorce rate; they'd rather be married to someone they think they can tolerate than be single and lonely.

No one likes to be lonely. As human beings, we crave affection. Some of us more than others, but we all still crave it. I'd love to know when we decided that, even as a child, you're not worthy unless you're dating someone.

It's just flat out ridiculous.

But at the same time, I do worry that there isn't anyone out there for me. It's stupid, because I really don't want a relationship right now. I've got about twelve other headaches at the moment; I absolutely do not need a girlfriend.

_Sigh_

If she is out there, though, I'm starting to wonder how long she'll wait.

_And every single heart that I have held  
In my hands, my clumsy hands  
I've fumbled them around until they fell  
It's much safer ground just keeping to myself_

Madeline Hampton.

I cringe whenever I hear her name.

I broke it off with her about three weeks before Donna found her way into my office because she had begun to make me want to vomit. I woke up one morning and realized that she was everything my father had ever warned me to stay away from, so I left.

She's a decent human being when she wants to be. She's just whiny, annoying, selfish and irritating. On a good day.

I played with fire and I got burned, it's that simple.

You can't sleep with someone and not feel connected to him or her for the rest of your life. Even if it's just subconsciously, you remember them and wonder how they're doing and if they have kids.

If Mandy gets married before I do, I'll shoot something.

There were three girls between Sarah and Mandy: Kayla Dailey, Danielle Beckett and Jill Young. They were all wonderful in their own respects and I'm sure that they make their husbands very happy, but I just screwed up.

I'm sure it's hard to imagine me screwing up. Especially with women.

I seem to have this amazing knack for offending them when I think I'm complimenting or trying to help them.

Take Donna, for example. I was simply trying to help her refine her taste in men and I end up scaring her for life.

Open mouth, insert foot.

It's just so hard to communicate the ramblings of my heart to someone I love.

I do love Donna and I think we'd go really well together, but there's no way in hell I'm chancing a relationship with her. What we have now works too well and I need her too much the way she is.

I'll just keep building these walls around my heart, so that no one else can come in. I can't afford to fumble Donna the way I've fumbled everyone else. If I ever lost her, I know I wouldn't be able to  
function.

It's as simple as that.

_So I still dream of tomorrow  
Where the past will not get in my way  
And passion lives another day  
And I still dream of tomorrow  
Where perhaps she'll wait for me._


End file.
